I met the friendliest cop last night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
