Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
