I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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