I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
