I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize