How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
