I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize