Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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