dude i'm inner monologue high
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i think my cat just said my name.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
