Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
