apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
