found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
