she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
