Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
