He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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