dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
