I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
