It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
