Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize