tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
