I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
