I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
