So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
