New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
