this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
