apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
