you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
