i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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