no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My bed smells like the plague
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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