Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
