I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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