i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
