apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
