my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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