guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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