i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
