I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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