i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
