no, he came in my armpit
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Randomize
