you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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