yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Two words: blizzard sex
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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