The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
