I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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