I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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