I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
