Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
