he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
