Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
