just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
