I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
