Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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