If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
