Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
