very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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