3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
