I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
