Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
