I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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