one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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